The hats are falling off

For the first few weeks…almost the first month, I felt amAZEing! I was perky and cheerful and felt like I could take on the world. But now, 1 month and 3 days in… (thud). I feel like I’ve hit the pavement.

This past work week has been a heavy-duty one. And because I am the ‘boss lady’, I sometimes have to wear a lot of hats. Accountant, lawyer-in-training, HR Manager, Sales rep, and the list goes on. Everyone thinks that I know everything and although most times I do have the answers…sometimes it just feels like people could do a little bit more critical thinking themselves beforehand. That said, I would MUCH rather they check with me if they’re unsure of something. There was just so much happening this past week that I felt all those hats were going to topple off my head and I was going to drop something. And I did. But I dropped it months ago…I just didn’t notice. And now I’ve noticed the mistake and it’s going to cost us money. Quite a bit of money. I don’t blame myself solely as this is something that had many more eyes on it than mine over the months…and not one person caught it. But ultimately, the buck stops with me. And I missed it and I have to take responsibility.

At some point in the afternoon, a friend asked me what I was going to do for the evening. I said “pizza and watch a movie”. Her response: “pizza and you can’t even have any wine”. Gee, thanks for that reminder. I know it was coming from a caring place…but yeah…no wine. And I really would have loved a glass of wine. But I was anxious…I was replaying conversations in my head that haven’t even happened yet and won’t happen now till Monday…and I was ruminating on how we’re going to mitigate risk…and doing calculations 50 ways to Sunday to figure out just how fucked we are. We’re not. Well, we are…but not as bad as I initially thought. Still not great…but not horrible. It’s a very expensive lesson learned. Anyhow….point is, part of me would have loved a glass of wine. But the worst thing I can do for myself is to drink based on emotion. Happy? Wine. Sad? Wine. Anxious? Wine! That….that is the disassociation that needs to happen.

I made myself a lovely gluten free margharita pizza, with lots of cheese…and had an AF ‘Aperol’ Spritz. It was a bit bitter and didn’t have that red wine thing I ‘wanted’ but I was out of de-alcoholised red wine. I do have lots of regular wine…but those are not being opened.

Then I watched a podcast about a lovely woman who communicates with pets. I was fascinated and now want to know what my cat would want to tell me! I was in bed by 9….read for awhile…then had a bit of a fitful sleep and am up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning.

It’s a new day…the sun is not even up yet…and I am stronger than I give myself credit for.


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