I find myself going back and forth between why I decided to take this break… and the thought that perhaps I’m hitting a nail with a sledgehammer. When I was talking to my bestie last night, she mentioned that she typically has 1 – 2 glasses of wine a night, 5 days a week…most people do. And she is definitely NOT someone that I would consider drinks a lot. What she drinks isn’t really that mush less than what I was drinking. There were a few days where it was 3 instead of 2, but mostly it was 2.
That said, there are a great number of people who drink more than is healthy but it’s considered ‘normal’ in our society. I guess, for me, perhaps it’s more the reasons behind reaching for a glass of wine. And the fact that the reason had become stress release. Which is a very slippery slope that I do not want to go down. It’s getting harder for me to remember why I decided to do this – but I am going to do it and I am going to keep reminding myself of the why. Which makes this little journal very handy as I can go back to old posts and re-read them.
This time is also about getting more discipline in to my life. When I was a child, I had ballet which provided a sense of discipline…but more so it provided a sense of release. If I was stressed or anxious or angry I would go downstairs to the bar (later I had my own little studio) and use the alcohol bar aS my ballet bar and dance until I calmed down. I don’t know what I was so worked up about at that age that I needed ways to calm myself…but I distinctly remember dancing through tears many a day at that little bar downstairs.
I have to say that I feel horrendous guilt every time I have a thought that borders on what my Mum would consider criticism of her parenting. Any time I’ve come close to broaching a topic with her, she cries and apologizes for being a bad mother. Which is not at all what I had been saying but it seems we cannot have a conversation about my upbringing that she would not take as a personal attack. So I no longer try, even though there is a lot I would like to understand and make sense of. But I don’t want to hurt her, so I leave it alone. I know that she was doing her best…and I love here for that. I just wish that I could gain a bit of of clarity as I’ve blocked out things and I’d like to understand more.
For example, why was I such a stressed child? What is it that was causing me to have ulcers at 12? Why is it that I’m in my 40’s and finally building some discipline in to my life in terms of brushing my teeth & washing my face before going to sleep, making my bed in the morning, and making sure I exercise every day? I don’t know the answers… except that I grew up in the 70’s and things were different and I had an alcoholic father and a mother who was trying her best to hold it all together.
I do know though that as much as I am not a disciplined person and I abhor routine…there’s a part of me that is enjoying these new ‘habits’ and the calmness that the simple routines are bringing to my life.