I feel very lucky to have supportive friends who understand why I’m taking this break, and not only respect the decision – but support me through it. In the past, when other people have taken a break from drinking, I’ve been known to be the one saying “c’mon…it’s Friday!”…or something along those lines. More often than not, it was because I myself wanted a drink but didn’t want to be the only one drinking. I felt that if they weren’t having one then I shouldn’t either. Rather than owning my own decision. In other words, their not drinking shone a light on my issues with myself. I was the one doing the cajoling and encouraging. I remember my roommate once asking me to grab him some grape juice from the kitchen on a Friday afternoon. While we were working from home. I came back to his room with a glass of wine, laughed and said “what? It’s grapes, isn’t it? Grape juice!”
Yeah, I’m glad I’m not surrounded by people doing that with me. It’s difficult enough to not drink in a holiday situation like this…let alone if I had someone like who I myself have been in the past….cajoling and encouraging. Instead, my friends are picking up non-alcoholic options for me when they go to the grocery store.
We were in one of the small towns yesterday, in a specialty food and wine shop. The owner of the shop wanted us all to try a white wine – one of my favourite varieties, no less. I said no…and then listened as my friends were exclaiming how wonderful it was. The voice in my head popped up with “c’mon…it’s just a taste….you’re on holidayyyyyyy! Why are we doing this on holidayyyyyyyy?” I ignored the voice and went outside for a change of scenery.
On the ride back to our house, I shared with them that it had been a bit hard to turn that down. One of my friends asked why I couldn’t have had just the one glass. Simple answer is…it wouldn’t have been the one glass. I would have then, at dinner, thought “I’ve already had one..may as well just have another”. And then it would have been 3 at dinner like them, and then the next day it would have been “I may as well just abandon the 90 days”.
But there will always be a special occasion….or a holiday. There will always be a reason to justify drinking because it’s socially accepted. I want my brain to know that I don’t need it. I want, at my core, to change my relationship with alcohol. It’s not that I was drinking to excess – it’s that I no longer like my relationship with alcohol and I want it to change. So this 90 days is my reset – and a gift I’m giving myself. It’s also very much making me understand my Dad more….and I think that’s important.
Anyhow…day 19. Apparently dinner tonight is at a vineyard. Cue momentary panic, but it’s a dinner I cannot skip as one of my employees lives in this area and it’s with him and his wife. Hopefully they’ll have some lovely sparkling water. I know I’ll feel like I’m missing out….but in the grande scheme of things, I know I’m not. And I just need to remind myself of that. I am very glad I’ve told them why I’m doing this though, as otherwise it would be too easy to just abandon ship and enjoy the wine.