Do you trust yourself?

I use an app, called The Pattern, and sometimes it’s like it’s in my head – for real! It’s based on your birth date, and is more in-depth than ‘newspaper column astrology’….and sometimes it’s messages about my personality are eerily accurate.

Anyway…it’s started asking questions; and the question I woke up to this morning was “Do you trust yourself?” Not so easy to answer, my friend. There have been times where I have not. I’m famous (to myself) for second guessing everything! There are many times (when I’ve gone against my natural instincts) when I end up saying “Trust your intuition more – it was bang on!” So I’m trying to listen to that voice inside…the one who’s usually right – and sometimes annoyingly so!

Yesterday was a good day. Not a fully easy day, but a good day nevertheless. I took a flight – for the first time since early February — and although a bit weird with all the disinfectant and masks, it was also a bit of finally getting my life back to pre-lockdown normalcy. Go through security….make a stop at Paul’s bakery for a croissant and coffee…and off I go! When I landed on the other side an hour later, a good friend was there to pick me up and we had a great conversation on the way to the house. Arrived at the house to 3 more amazing girlfriends of mine that I haven’t seen in what seems like AGES and then took off for a walk to the beach.

The city I live in is landlocked…and I miss the ocean. The sounds…the smells…everything. Once we got to an area where there was no one else, I took off my mask….breathed in…and felt like ‘home’. The smell of the Atlantic…the wind in my hair…heaven.

The not-so-easy part of the day was that this is the first time since I started this experiment that I’ve really been in a drinking situation. Wine bottles on the counter…yummy creamy liquors on the table for after dinner….Desperados in the fridge. They had lovingly put my de-alcolised wine in the fridge for me earlier so that it would be cold (love these ladies!) so I had some of that.

It was interesting to think about what I ‘would’ve” had yesterday, if it weren’t for this decision to take a break. I likely would have had a Vermut when I got in, on ice. Then a glass of wine (or 2) at lunch followed by some of the bailey’s-type liquor in my iced coffee after. Then before dinner, another glass of wine…and likely 2 or 3 at dinner and a liquor after. So I would have had between 7 to 9 drinks all in all. Instead, I had a non-alcoholic aperitif (similar to vermut)… an espresso on ice….some bubbly water…1 glass of de-alcolised wine… a large de-alcololised Aperol Spritz-type drink… and a hot cacao after dinner. So… more sugar than I’d like, from the de-alocolised wine…but no alcohol.

I’ll be honest and say that I wanted some of the red wine….and I wanted to try the ‘creamsicle’ tasting liquor…. and I wanted the baileys-type stuff in my coffee. Mostly I wanted the red wine. But – I trust myself. And that annoyingly right-most-of-the-time voice inside me is telling me I need to do this. There were a lot of other voices yesterday, saying “but you’re on vacation…” … “but you’ve gone 17 days without wine so surely you can just have a glass…” … “why are we doing this anyway? this is stupid!”. But I’m ignoring them and I’m listening to the quieter voice…the one being ‘shushed’ by the louder ones right now…the one quietly saying “but this is important to you…” and I’m trusting myself.

Woke up to Day 18 – and to a message from a dear, dear friend saying he’s proud of me. What a wonderful way to start the day…my heart is happy and I am reminded that I can do this. I trust myself.

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