Monday morning…

I’m loving getting up before sunrise and listening to the city wake up!

Feeling better this morning than yesterday. Not sure why I was so agitated, but also was having thoughts of ‘why am I doing this?’ And “I’ve gone a week without really thinking about having wine…so what’s the big deal?”

But I know that had I, for example, had a drink with brunch on Saturday; the day would have been different. It would have been fun still, absolutely! But I wouldn’t have walked 10k….I wouldn’t have had the same kind of conversation…I wouldn’t have gotten errands completed and come home feeling happy and full but still full of energy.

What would have happened is we would have gone for the walk, but then stopped at the Mercado for wine….then walked around for a bit more, stopping for another wine somewhere else…..and then I would have thrown the thoughts of exercise or running errands out the window and instead been focused on having another glass of wine. I would have come home tipsy, not having gotten a long walk in, and not feeling like doing anything but sitting on the couch.

I had a dream last night (many, actually….but I don’t remember them all) where I was traveling…was with one of my friends that I often over-drink with…and I was kind of observing myself. I don’t remember details of the dream, except that it was not a pretty look and I didn’t like it. I love this friend with all my heart. When we’re together though…and he’s drinking and I am also…the wine flows and I get more drunk that I want to. It’s not his fault – I’m a willing participant. I can’t keep up with him in terms of drinks, but I still go way beyond what my own limits should be.

Typically, when I have some meetings to attend in the US I will add a couple days on to the end and either my Aunt or my bestie will fly in to meet me for a few days. The last time, I was dealing with some emotions I didn’t want to deal with. I didn’t want to face some realities that were smack-dab in front of me. What ended up happening was that by the time my bestie arrived, I’d had 4 days of drinking WAY too much wine in an attempt to have fun and not think about what I didn’t want to think about…was exhausted…burnt out…and under so much stress from work on top of it all. I ended up having to wake up really early every morning to get some work completed, then would come alive again with some wine at lunch…then be too tired after dinner to do anything late at night. On the last day, we were at a friend’s house for brunch and I remember feeling really anxious…eyeing the half-opened bottles of wine from the party the night before…wondering when they would be opened instead of the coffee.

I absolutely HATE admitting that to myself and I absolutely HATE that my brain was focused on “when will I have a glass of wine?”…rather than just being able to relax in to the lovely brunch with friends that mean the world to me. That day ended with me waiting for my flight at the one and only airport bar in the terminal, paying I think roughly $30 USD for a glass of wine. The fact that it’s highway robbery is one thing. The fact that I actually paid for it because that’s how much I wanted a glass of wine..is another

Okay, yep…need to continue with my 90 days. Think I just remember why’d I’m doing this after all!

Tiff

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