I don’t know what to write, but I want to start writing again…so here I am.

It’s been a rough few years.

There’s been good…there’s been amazing…but it’s also been rough.

I moved to the coast and bought my very first home.

I moved my Mum to the same city so we could be closer as she ages.

I soon realised something was wrong…and after many, many, many doctor’s visits, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

I altered the plans for my home renovations so that she could move in with me.

I altered my work life so that I could sort out a way to keep her safe, and happy.

I lost myself somewhere along the way. Somewhere in the grief, the stress, the WTAF of it all, I drifted away.

It’s time to get back…it’s time to get my health back…my fun back…my peace back.

Mum is safe…she is as healthy as is possible given the circumstances…and she is happy. I have found an amazing human that takes over for me during the day so I can work…and now I need to shift my focus ever so slightly back to me.

It feels selfish. It feels scary. It carries guilt, even though I logically know I have nothing to feel guilty about. But I’m afraid that if I don’t bring myself to shore now…I’ll drift too far.

I need to get my strength back…I need to travel and explore…I need to have some time to just be me. And I need to be okay with that and know I’m doing my best.

This is me for the next few years as I want to make sure she’s safe and taken care of in her final stage of life. It’s a choice I’m making, but it’s a choice I don’t feel there are any options to. I feel alone in all of this in many ways, and that’s the scary part. But if I don’t find a way back to ‘me’ then the isolation will be worse.

So I’m going to try to write…try to make sense of the jumbled feelings in my head by writing them down.

And we’ll see what happens…