Checking In and Checking Self

I haven’t written for a few weeks. Life has been a bit crazy – good crazy, but crazy nonetheless. My birthday was AMAZING! I cried happy tears all day long… and honestly, have never in my adult life felt so loved as I did that day. It was overwhelming and I am so filled with gratitude for each and every person that helped make that day/week so special.

As planned, I did have some of the Italian wine for my special day. I also had some wine that weekend when I was taken out for a very special lunch. Then I had a work-week of no alcohol…and then a full week of a glass every other day or so. Which led me to what’s now been a full week of no alcohol. After choosing to have a glass or two with dinner for that week, I realised I really don’t like how it makes me feel. I fully enjoyed having a lovely bit of wine for my birthday….but I did not so much enjoy once I let it go beyond that. I felt tired, testy, and bloated. Now after a week of abstaining, I have more energy and lightness in my mind. I wish I could say my body feels better, but I’ve been working (sitting) around the clock and my body feels like it’s been hit by a mac truck.

I think I’ve changed my perspective on alcohol…but I now also realise how slippery a slope it could be for me to go to a place I know I don’t want to go. I’ve had a few conversations with my mother recently about alcohol – which haven’t been so wonderful. In her mind, my Dad and his family ‘chose’ to drink….and there was an off-hand comment about the family (Dad’s side specifically) and I had to remind her that I also am one of them. They’re not removed from me…I am them and they are me. And I struggle in some of the same ways that they do/did. Which led to her saying that we don’t have to have alcohol in the house at all. One extreme to another…which is exactly what I’m not wanting. In a similar fashion, my comment about not wanting cookies everyday because I want to lose weight, led to her asking if it was okay for her to make a special dessert at Christmas. Sigh. I try to remember that she’s just trying to help. So….everyday cookies – No….Christmas dessert – Yes! Everyday wine – No….once in awhile – Sure. If it’s a nice one and it’s the weekend or very special occasion.

I’ve stocked up on de-alcoholised wine, cava, some AF rum, whisky and gin. I’ve basically turned my bar in to an alcohol-free bar. I’m trying to check in with myself every day…keep on track…and use my sober tracker to keep mindful.

Right now, I’m just proud of the fact that I’ve been dealing with some extreme stress this past month and have NOT dealt with it by having wine. I’ve taken myself to bed early, to read and listen to relaxing music…. I’ve had baths… I’ve jumped on the stationary bike… I’ve met friends for coffee…. But I have not reached for wine with a “this will fix it” mentality. And that, to me, is a success.

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