It’s not often I just sit with my feelings. My brain whirs and whirs in circles like a Tazmanian Devil. Sometimes it’s a cute little hamster buzzing about in there, but other times it’s a Tazmanian Devil. Thinking and re-thinking and overthinking. Thinking about whether or not something I said in confidence to someone would get back to someone else. Which if it did, fine…it’s not a bad thing, but not a conversation I wanted to have — hence talking it through with someone else. Thinking about what I’m going to do about x,y,z (some other random issue that pops into my brain) and having conversations in my head that are role playing discussions that LIKELY WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Why do I do this to myself??
Sometimes, wine shuts down Tazzie (what I’ll call my little Tazmanian Devil in my head) and sometimes a little tiny tiny dose of Valium before bed will allow the constant going in circles to just stop long enough for me to go to sleep. But, not wanting to take advantage of the Valium I was prescribed for muscle relaxation….and not wanting to open up a bottle of wine…I sit with my feelings. With my anxiety that likely doesn’t even need to be there to begin with as more often than not what I get anxious about isn’t even a ‘thing’ and has only taken root in my head – and in my head only.
I realise that I’ve been turning to wine to ‘shut myself up’ – as in, Tazzie. To stop thinking….stop caring…stop endlessly over-analysing. But now I also realise that my anxiety is far lower when I’m not doing that. I don’t wake up with anxiety anymore. I’ve actually had the best week in terms of anxiety that I can remember in a very long time. I managed to get through the entire week without getting overly agitated by things….letting them get to me and getting angry about them. I was able to just laugh things off….say “interesting” (to myself) and move on. So alcohol must, at some level, have been the actual cause of my anxiety because the other factors have not changed.
But sitting with my feelings…letting them flow up and down like little waves….or allowing my thoughts to go in circles like Tazzie…is not a comfy feeling for me. It’s one that I’m going to have to get used to though, as the lower anxiety….the lack of ‘anger’ (that I had been blaming on being peri-menopausal….which I’m sure is some of it, but wine didn’t help I’m guessing)…the ability to look in the mirror and truly love what I see reflected back at me….is not something I want to give up. It’s worth figuring out how to sit with my feelings….and feel them….and get comfy. Somehow.
Day 13 – Been here before….but only once. I like it here.