I wrote this last August, and it’s been sitting in the Notes app on my phone. Wanting to start writing again, I thought I’d start by transcribing it here…

Sitting in the dark, the first strands of sun starting to appear and the air has a touch of coolness in it we haven’t felt for months.

My life looks and feels nothing like it did a few short months ago.

I’m siting in the same corner of the same couch, sipping espresso out of the same cup, while my adorable cat checks out the birds on the patio. But instead of an overwhelming sadness…a heavy layer of stress, anxiety and worry…I feel light. I feel like a cloak of darkness has been lifted off me and time has somehow spun back several years yet moved on all at once.

My beloved Mum’s journey on this earthly realm ended a couple of months ago. Her last gift to me was to take away the stress of long term caring, and let me get back to building my own life before it was too late. Before I had lost myself completely. Some might think that’s a horrible way of looking at it, but I know for an absolute fact that while she was incredibly thankful for the care I gave her these past few years, and especially this last one, she did NOT want that. For either of us. She had always told me to put her in a home and was adamant that my sister and I not be put in the position of carers. She would have abhorred her last several months…and at some level I think she knew what was happening and she just let go.

I miss her with every fibre of my being…with every ounce of my soul. At the same time, I’m finally able to let go of all the worry…the stress, both emotional and financial…the incredible seriousness of it all. And I find myself with a lightness that I haven’t felt since I was a child. A sense of fun…a bouncing down the stairs with a song on my lips kind of energy that I don’t remember ever really feeling. I’ve always had such a seriousness about me. it got hidden well at times, as she hid hers, yet it’s lifted and that joy…the sheer fun of it all is shining through now. It’s like I’m enjoying life for the both of us.

I’m sitting in the same corner of the same couch, sipping espresso out of the same cup, yet instead of trying to figure out carer schedules and how to pay for everything, and how to put a smile on my face before I walk downstairs to see if Mum is awake, I’m watching the sun rise…I’m writing for the first time in what seems like years…I’m fully and completely relaxed, I’m well rested, and I’m listening to the soft snoring of my lovely boyfriend of three months in the next room, who saw I was a bit stressed last night so covered me in kisses until I was laughing harder than I have in I don’t remember how long.

I love you, Mum. Always.