I’ve always been the family peace-keeper. As an adult, I’ve learned that people don’t always appreciate the efforts that I go through to keep that peace. Sometimes they’d prefer to just have it out and they’re okay with tension and tears. But for me, I find it incredibly hard to sit with that and try to avoid it.

I think perhaps my Dad was like that as well. My Mum definitely wasn’t…and it’s usually her that I’m trying to keep calm in my peace-keeping efforts. Even now.

Mum always loved to entertain…and the more the merrier. She still loves to talk about entertaining, and is always showing me recipes for things we can make for Christmas for when people are visiting. However, her current health requires a level of calm or else she has a meltdown. And as much as she forgets things quickly, she tends to hold on to those things for longer.

I’ve got friends visiting right now, and all would be fine except my Mum’s little dog does NOT like children. He doesn’t like most people, actually…but adults I don’t worry about. Children, I do. To be fair to the dog, he was rescued from an abusive environment and he’s elderly. But my Mum coddles him and makes the situation worse.

So I’m balancing, or rather juggling, trying to enjoy having friends here with trying to keep the dog away from the baby without my Mum having a meltdown because that dog is her baby.

Luckily I can tune in at sonic speed to her thoughts and emotions and I can avoid most problems. But I end up, again, walking a tightrope and not being able to relax myself. Which is the opposite of what anyone coming here to support me is wanting from their visit.

And I end up feeling resentful of the fact that my hyper-awareness and peace-keeping acumen is a trauma response. I need to find a way to let that go somehow but I’m the one that ends up dealing with the aftermath and I’d rather just….keep the peace.